wakey wakey hands off snakey
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
