You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
