oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
