I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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