So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
