My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
