I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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