There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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