Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
