I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
