I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
