: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
