You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
