he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
