I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
