One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
