Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
