i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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