Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
