the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's shark week go big or go home
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
