I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
