I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize