Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
