I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
