New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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