Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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