They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize