Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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