Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
