Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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