What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
