Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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