dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
