Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
