Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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