and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
