FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize