my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
As shirtless as possible
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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