New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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