I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have already put on my inside pants.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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