We need to rekindle our bromance
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
