no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
