Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
