3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Pappa wants mamma naked
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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