end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
In America we eat man semen.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
