Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
