like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
