can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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