I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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