but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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