if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
