Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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