Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You ruined the universe
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
