Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
