I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
