My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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