I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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