theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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